OTTAWA — In a stunning change of policy, the Canadian government has announced groundbreaking new legislation for Indigenous children on reserves. “We just know we’re onto something with this new bill,” said an excited Prime Minister Trudeau. “These changes will ensure adequate tools for the kids to somehow succeed. Trust me.”
A memo released by the Indigenous Affairs office outlines the proposed changes to the education and status portion of the Indian Act. The changes include increased funding for on-reserve schools, but only if school administrators introduce a mandatory “Responsible Protest” class. The course material will teach the children how to create effective protest signs, how to work together to develop catchy freedom chants, and how to operate a breathing mask in the event of a tear gas attack.
Finally, once the children have left the hospital and are registered Indians, along with their status cards they will be issued a standard 4×6 protest sign attached to a stick. It will be engraved with their name, reserve affiliation, and no tracking devices whatsoever. Trust me.