ALBERTA — Responding to the recent report issued by Statistics Canada on the soaring rates of incarcerated Indigenous youth, former Prime Minister Stephen Harper said, “We tried hard to get that number in the high 90’s. But it’s tough to focus when you’re swinging the sickle with both hands while trying to sweep a group of people into the dustbin of history.”
At the zenith of his power and dominion over Canada, Stephen J. Harper embraced a tough-on-crime agenda while sporting a hair-style that would make the most suave of Lego® men jealous.
Mr. Harper and his cabinet swiftly installed mandatory-minimum sentences into the justice system, all for the purpose of creating a utopia premised on medieval ideas and beliefs.
“The impact of introducing heavier penalties was meant to deter everyone from entering a life of crime,” said Mr. Harper. “It was meant to usher in a blissful age of peace and prosperity. It was meant to introduce a world where those who are most marginalized never think about doing anything wrong because of the consequences. Today we have that world. Thanks to me.”
Mr. Harper was then carried away on a golden calf paid for by the prison-industrial complex he introduced during his time as Prime Minister.