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Indigenous Man Lost After New Vision Quest App Leads Him To Middle Of Lake

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BRITISH COLUMBIA — After traversing the rough terrain of dense forests and a failed assent towards the peak of the Rockies, Richard Redbear called it a day. “This new app keeps telling me that I would find my spirit animal by now. I had an incident with a squirrel who talked to me not too long ago, but it turned out to be a pinecone. I need to do this sober”

The new vision quest app, “Spirit Mingle” promises to match up an Indigenous person with their spirit animal. Users first have to prove their ancestry by partaking in a ceremony of ritual combat, also called Bingo, and once victorious they are then asked a series of questions about themselves.

“I was matched up with the white coyote, which is the symbol of prosperity and youth, or so it claims,” said Redbear. “After travelling across the nation for two weeks, I am now hopeless and further away from meeting my spirit animal. This is like Pokemon GO, except without all the white people.”

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