TORONTO — Acknowledging that presenting people with the facts just isn’t working anymore, climate scientists adopted a new tactic that involves highlighting how repulsive and disgusting excess sweat can be.
“It really doesn’t do any favours for your social agenda,” said Sharon Reeves, lead climate researcher at the University of Toronto. “We have conducted studies that observe how people react to those who are sweating profusely from each gland, and we can confirm that the future indeed looks revolting. Body odour will become an act of chemical warfare, and the only winners will be deodorant companies.”
For decades, scientists offered a bleak outlook on the perils of a warmer climate, such as famine and disease, yet the public has grown immune to these threats. Instead, scientists will now resort to body-shaming those with sweaty armpits and moist physiques as a result of warmer temperatures.
“In addition to all this research, we have also found that people have an innate disdain for the word ‘moist’,” said Reeves. “And we will use all our resources to ensure this word is advertised in every corner of the world.”