OTTAWA — Recognizing that the current plight of its Indigenous people will lead to extinction, the Canadian government announced extraordinary measures to preserve First Nations culture.
“I think we all seen this coming,” said Carolyn Bennett, Minister of Crown-Indigenous Relations for the Trudeau government. “They’re hungry, they’re thirsty, and they can’t travel in rural areas without fear of being hunted. So this move by our concerned government will ensure they receive the support needed to thrive in one of the richest countries in the world.”
Indigenous people will be placed along side the Blue Whale, Red Pandas, and Bengal Tigers, ensuring that they will be given prime media coverage and stable funding.
“People these days are more concerned about polar bears who are starving than they are about real people,” said Bennett. “If endangered species receive better care than those who endure generational trauma daily, then this move will surely turn the dismal tide of history. Probably not. But it’s worth a shot.”