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Reserve Says “Fuck It”, Sells Land To Nestle In Exchange For Clean Water

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ONTARIO — Frustrated by the red tape of supplying basic human needs by the Canadian government, a northern reserve in Ontario has struck a deal to allow bottled water to flow in freely like water really should.

“Our corporate overlords will succor us,” said Hillary Littlefoot, Chief of Bigger Fish First Nations. “This current government, and many before it, suffers from a delusion of adequacy. How can we entrust these public servants to help us build a water pipeline when they cannot even build an oil pipeline they bought for $4.5-billion? If Justin Trudeau put as much effort in helping Indigenous people as he does spraying his hair in the morning, we wouldn’t be doing this. Shameful!”

The historic agreement between the northern reserve and Nestle Corp. will see a water bottling factory built on Indigenous territory. The two parties have agreed on a name for the new brand of water. It will be called “Justin’s Tears” and will be available in the summer of next year.

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