Man Who Grew Up In Mansion Knows What's Best For These Kids

OTTAWA - Reflecting on the incredibly difficult road that brought him there, a privileged white male discussed his plans to deal with Indigenous children taken from their homes in 2007 and onward.

"No one understands the plight of children living in poverty more than me," said a barely suited Justin Trudeau. "From growing up in the cold hard streets of Sussex Drive to raising a family in the cold hard streets of Sussex Drive, I completely understand what it is like being poor and all alone in the foster care system."

When pressed on why his government is seeking a judicial review on compensation for First Nations kids, Mr. Trudeau responded by saying "$40,000 was my monthly allowance growing up, so clearly we can do better than this. These are rookie numbers."

Sources confirmed that if Indigenous children could prove they worked for SNC-Lavalin during their time in the foster care system, Trudeau would likely approve the compensation payout.