Scheer Disappointed That 50% Of Indigenous Children Live In Poverty, Says We Can Go Higher

Boasting about his political party's non-approach to Indigenous issues, Andrew Scheer made a promise that they would raise the percentage of Indigenous people living in poverty.

"I am afraid that Canada is losing its place in the world," said a defiant Andrew Scheer. "We used to be on top when it came to decimating entire cultures. We have grown weak in that regard, and I promise to bring all that back. Our ideology is built on old Canadian values, you know the one that thought residential schools was progress."

When pressed by a reporter on what number would satisfy the Conservative leader, he responded by stating that "75% is an admirable goal. We know that 1 in 2 Indigenous children live in poverty, so if we can get that number up to 1 and half in 2, that would be great!" After hearing this, the reporter looked on in dismay and contemplated how a grown man could have such an odd understanding of basic fractions.

Sources in the party confirmed that grasping to the idea of a Canadian exceptionalism that never existed as a basis for your ideology is what this country needs right now, in addition to a bloody mary.